I read this quote on Mother’s Day and it is perfect. The author was making wine and his mother had just passed away, he says: “I’m desperate for my mother’s judgment on it, not because she was particularly versed in wine, but because nothing was ever completed in my life until she had her say.”
On January 27, 2012, I lost my best friend. My mom passed away from lung cancer on a Friday morning. I was at work. The night before, my dad and I had decided to put her in full time hospice care. When I said good bye to her that night, I told her all of the things I would have wanted to say to her if I had KNOWN it was the last time I would talk to her and I am thankful for that.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her. My mom and I were very close. I am sad for all of the things we will not get to experience together = we had wanted to go back to Disney World; see the gingerbread houses at Grove Park Inn; she was hoping to have grandchildren that she could spoil and feed junk food to and the list goes on and on. We had plans. The quote above touched me because I ran just about every decision I ever made by her…not that I always did what SHE thought I should do, but I wanted to know what she thought about what I was doing. I miss this. Very much.
When she was first diagnosed (and told she only had months to live), I remember her saying that she was most upset because she had wanted to be there for me as I had children and got older.
My mom was very spiritual and believed that loved ones come to visit after they are gone. I am so thankful that she shared this belief with me, because I know she is always here. When I’m thinking of her and I see a bird fly by at that moment – that’s her. When I happen to flip on the television or radio and there is someone is named “Toni” (and at that very moment they say their name) – that’s her. When I dream of her (that’s my favorite) – that’s her. Every morning, I randomly choose a card from this deck of meditation cards I have…this morning, the card I chose had a bird on it and the thought to meditate on was “Decorate.” That’s her.
This year has been difficult, but not all bad. I have learned how strong I am. I would have never thought I could do anything, not even get out of bed, without my mom. But, each and every day, I did (and I do). I go to yoga, I work out, I see my friends. It helps. My dad is awesome and doing good. That makes me happy.
I love her and I miss her, and I do know that she IS here for me. She always will be.